Getting in the Picture

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Nan

My “old” bloggy buddy from way back when, Darcy, reminded us that we moms need to get in the picture. As a photographer and as a self-critical woman, I am definitely one of those that does not like to get in the picture. I like my place behind the camera thankyouverymuch. I don’t seem to think about back fat when I’m behind the camera. Or front fat. Or fat. I think about smiles and memories, moments in time and emotions. I do not think about my thighs or my arm loaves or my chins. I think about composition, light, color, depth of field, focal points, shutter speeds and ISOs. I don’t think about how my kids might just not remember what I looked like if I don’t make a point to get in the picture now and then.

This past year my awesome boss (I was so tempted to just type awesomesauce after that just because it rhymed but it would have been all wrong. Gladly, explaining that to you just now enabled me to go ahead and write awesomesauce not once but twice. Sometimes being verbose is such a pleasure. Really.) P.S. I don’t ever say awesomesauce in real life. Where was I? Oh, my awesome boss took our family portraits and also some portraits of me. I think the last time I’d had my pictures professionally taken was at my own wedding. Aside from that, I have actually submitted on occasion to standing on the wrong side of the camera even though it’s not where I feel most comfortable. As Darcy said, it’s not about me. It’s not for me. It’s for them and their kids, etc.

So for posterity… here I am…

I went shopping today with some birthday money and I wanted to show my hubby (who is here…

…at the office for his new job with Food for the Hungry) what I got. That’s my first self-portrait right there in the bottom left corner. Can you tell that I hadn’t showered yet and it was lunchtime?

This is me today. Next to my unmade bed and my kitten licking his crotch. This is really all about keeping it real today.

…and a smattering of me over the past two years.

And that one right there… That one is posted because I read (and loved) this blog tonight and was reminded how much I like it when people keep it real and how I love it when my friend’s don’t have perfect houses or meals or children. It makes me feel just a little less lame. Now that I say that though… it sounds pretty selfish. It makes me feel like we are all just a little bit normal. There. That’s better.

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Nan

For our friends today and for all who grieve as ones with hope…

It’s my birthday…

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Nan

Wow. What a marathon of a birthday. My 35th was a strange, sad, happy, crazy, blessed birthday. Started my birthday by finishing watching The Help with Shawn at around 12:30 a.m. Woke up at 5:00 to get ready to take the Mr. to the airport for his 10 days of orientation with Food for the Hungry in Arizona, came back to bring Andrew to school but he stayed up too late last night and couldn’t drag himself out of bed, had a rough day of homeschooling (attitudes!!), intermittently found myself weeping all throughout the day as I thought about the grief and suffering our dear friends are going through right now and that if I could be anywhere in the world this week it would be in Alberta, Canada, broke up tons of sibling melt-downs that largely centered on surprising me and keeping birthday secrets from me, almost threw in the homeschooling towel during a phonics lesson (pretty sure I sprouted a few grey hairs), and then was pleasantly surprised by a small birthday party that my dear, wonderful, loving sister, Sandy, put together for me. And now I’m going to go to bed and cuddle with my two sweet kitties and pray myself to sleep. Thank you LORD for your kindness, thank you LORD for your mercy… thank you LORD for your provision… thank you LORD for grace… thank you LORD for the resurrection — our only hope for life.

The truth is, my thoughts have been largely preoccupied with grief for our friends… with prayer on their behalf… with struggling to figure out ways to love them from afar and learning that the way to do that is mostly just going to be prayer, tears, prayer, tears and more prayer.

But one of my dearest friends, who has walked this road with friends before, reminded me today that it is only right to cry and pray and to not hold back on either… but yet to continue living. Embracing each day and doing life. Indeed… we are just far off friends. This tragedy has not touched us in any tangible way — it is not daily before us. But my grief for my friends has been and continues to be profound. I ache for how they are aching. And my only service to them can be my tears and my prayers to our Holy God…

I know this is quite a juxtaposition and there is really no fitting segue but you probably noticed above that I mentioned my two kitties. I’ve been wanting to mention it on here but it just has not felt right. But I’m going to just come out with it… I got a new kitty last Saturday. He’s so sweet and mild-mannered. Laid back and fluffy like a bunny. He nuzzles faces. He licks tears. And the smiles that brings are delightful.

His name is Paul. His whole name is Paul Hewson. (Name that celebrity) But we just call him Paul. I don’t know quite how I just popped up with the name Paul but there it was. It suited him. Sometimes the kids like to call him by his stage name. I’ll let you work that one out with Google if you don’t already know it.

So, here he is. He’s a flame point siamese tabby mix. He has the beauty of a siamese, the softness and sweet temperament of a tabby. In other words, purrfect. (Sorry. I’m incurable.)

Joys and Sorrows

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Nan

Joys and sorrows
crows and sparrows
droughts and downpours
hearts and arrows
Is life ever
and forever
all a mix of
pain and pleasure
Blood and water
ice and fire
grace and graveyards
doom and shire

hopes and fears
crowns and crosses
cribs and caskets
gains and losses
Will the always
be a never
this broken vow of
tie and sever
now and never
saint and sinner
bane and blessing
worst and winner

broken mended
low made high
wounded tended
far drawn nigh
Light will break in
sleepers waken
to the dawn of
earth unshaken
heartache taken
tears made dry
faith to sight
and death to die

Life is just like that. Until all is made new, life will ever be a mix of death and life because of man’s sin and because of God’s amazing grace. We mourn with our friends who have lost their daughter. We pray for them and ask any who will pray, to join us in praying for them as they grieve this tragic loss and also as they seek to find grace in everything because, “Grace makes beauty of ugly things.”

Even as we weep with those who weep, only recently we were joined by our friends — these same friends who need us now to weep with them — in rejoicing at the answer to prayer that God has provided for us. Almost two years to the day (give or take) that my husband put in his resignation at our church in Calgary (which was officially the day we began looking for a new ministry or job… whatever God would have for us) he received an offer of employment with a wonderful Christian aid organization, Food for the Hungry. He will be in support staff, giving counsel to those on the mission field. We give God alone all the glory and are eager to see all that He will do for His Kingdom through this.

Even as we rejoice in His provision we are reminded through our friend’s most difficult journey just begun that all of life is a gift from Him and all His gifts, save for Himself alone, He requires that we hold loosely. In the face of loss, and most especially the loss of a child, it is so easy for me to think that the take away message is to hold tightly… Indeed, we must treasure each gift He gives but ultimately we must surrender all. All to Him who holds us all in the palm of His hand so that when He asks us to let go of anything or any idea or any dear person, we can do so — yes, though we do so with tears and with pain — knowing that though our grip is loosened, His is not. For He holds it all. And has promised to graciously give us all things. So as He gives and takes away, I am reminded yet again by Jesus…

Fear not little flock, for it is the Father’s will to give you the Kingdom.

So we let go of all and cling to Him. And in letting go of all, even all of the good things that He has given, we gain all.

Joys and Sorrows.

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Nan

And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5.2

Christ Entered In

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Nan

Oh, there is a day, and it hurts like hell,
when it seems like the sun has gone away,
soul sorrow so deep that no mouth can tell,
but Jesus has felt it on the world’s darkest day.

Sleep will not come and tears will not end,
the sorrow so great it’s just under your skin
and death feels so close like a hideous friend,
but into this darkness our savior went in.

A face with no mouth or a sky without birds,
a house without doors, a jail with no bars,
a song without notes or a book with no words;
this silence He chose when He took on our scars.

Out of the depths of this smoldering pain,
where words all at once seem so wrong and yet right,
a thin wisp of smoke will rise up through the rain
when a song, a prayer finds a thin strip of light.

Our Jesus, who came where sin seemed to win,
who knew the grief that awaited and still entered in.
What kindness, what love, what grace, what merciful grace,
does the Lord have for us that he’d choose this place?

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Nan

Come untrue…

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Nan

Sam’s question is the cry of our hearts today.

But Sam lay back, and started with open mouth, and for a moment, between bewilderment and great joy, he could not answer. At last has gasped: ‘Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What’s happened to the world?’

‘A great shadow has departed,’ said Gandalf, and then he laughed and the sound was like music, or water in a parched land; and as he listened the thought came to Sam that he had not heard laughter, the pure sound of merriment, for days upon days without count. It fell upon his ears like the echo of all the joys he had ever known. But he himself burst into tears. Then as sweet rain will pass down a wind of spring and the sun will shine out the clearer, his tears ceased, and his laughter welled up, and laughing he sprang from his bed.

‘How do I feel?’ he cried. ‘Well I don’t know how to say it. I feel, I feel’ – he waved his arms in the air – ‘I feel like spring after winter, and sun on the leaves; and like trumpets and harps and all the songs I have ever heard!’

Only by God’s amazing grace can we be assured that everything sad will indeed come untrue.

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Rev. 21.5

Come, Lord Jesus, come. May we find your grace through the shadowlands.

Wedded Bliss

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Nan

I know that I’ve mentioned it more than once and have incorporated links to A Perfect Impression Photography, the awesome photography company that I work for, throughout my blog, but I’ve yet to post any wedding photos. (very lame, I know. Sorry.) I’m fixing that right now once and for all so you can have a little glimpse into what I’ve been doing over the past year.

It’s been such a great journey thus far and I look forward to all that lies ahead.

If you know anyone in the San Francisco Bay Area who needs a photographer, please pass the word about API! (All photos are ©A Perfect Impression Photography)

Consider the Lilies

o me of little faith